How To Recover from the Family Scapegoat Role

By the time I was 8 years old I was already taking on the role of the scapegoat child. For me to be a scapegoat was to be a target and therefore if I could make myself invisible that would mean that I wouldn't be a target.

For thousands of years the Scapegoat Role has been one thing, to be blamed. But those of us who grew up in a scapegoat role that means we have an idea that we're wrong and that we should be ashamed. This video is about understanding how that came about, what we need to do to change it and ultimately to find those possibilities and potentials in life that we're all looking for.

Whatever situation we grew up in we were unable to rationalize our thoughts until about the age of 8. That means that any messages or dysfunctional behaviors that I learned, that we learned, up until the age of 8 was a reaction to what was going on around us. So for instance if as a six year old I dropped my ball and it starts rolling into the road. I react to the ball rolling into the road but I can't rationalize that there's a car coming. So I run into the road to get the ball. This is a little hypothetical but as an older kid I would be able to rationalize that the ball is rolling but there's a car also coming and workout but now is not the time to step into the road. The problem, that's a really graphical description. But what about those things which aren't so easy, the emotional stuff, the reasons why I feel wrong or learned to take on shame that wasn't mine.

By the time I was 8 I was already doing stuff kind of based on the emotions I felt but I didn't understand why. So I would do it and then I start understanding and rationalizing. I do this, I become invisible, basically for me to be a scapegoat is to be a target and therefore if I could make myself invisible that would mean that I wouldn't be a target. So I would I look back and see I had personality but I was swallowing it a lot at the time. I would work out, I would rationalize why it's good to be invisible. I'd rationalize why I feel shame and rationalize why that's okay. Then I'd mute myself and change myself in order to find peace or love or whatever it is. And that if that that carries on throughout my life then what happens it becomes too much to bear.

14 years ago I spent seven hours unconscious in hospital after a whole bunch of cocaine and alcohol. And it was as I look back and I'm like "wow I really hated myself." It's another extreme example but I couldn't admit that I hated myself and all the reasons. For me that is where it starts if I can admit to myself that something I'm doing is not working. The problem is if I can't see it. So if I'm feeling shame, I'm feeling wrong but I don't know why. I need to be open to the possibility that there's something I don't know, something I don't understand or something I'm not admitting to myself. If I can admit that actually this situation, whatever it is, maybe I'm doing something that I've always done, maybe I'm trying to process things that happened to me when I was a kid. If I can be open to the scariest thing in the world which is not understanding. I think that out of everything not understanding combined with a fear of annihilation.

If I can just become aware that might be a possibility, may not be true, then I can work out what is actually going on with me. I can make tiny little changes. It starts off really painful because actually in my experience. I understand and look back and I can go "I did this because of this" and I'm still terrified to take the action. That feels like paralysis and if I keep doing that, if the behavior it's the same even though I realize it then that's insanity. The biggest courage we're ever asked is to step into the what we don't know, with whatever that looks like. That's been my experience. It's not comfortable and yet as I look back I spent all my life invisible there's very little video of me on the Internet prior to 18 months ago, I think.

Finding freedom from the Scapegoat Role is in asking myself what is it I'm doing, not doing that may be blocking me from being who I truly want to be, my character, my individual. As Scapegoats were often weird ones, oddballs, the fun ones and it's stepping into that. I ask myself what am I willing to lose in order to find that what I really want? Which is learning to love myself. I have one purpose in life, to awaken to my potential and help others do the same. I do that with emotional balance, spiritual connection and physical health. If you'd like to find out more about that then click this link: