How I'm Facing My Greatest Fears During Spiritual Awakening
This video is about being confronted by and facing my greatest fears. Every human emotion is normal but it feels like we only want the easy ones.
Every emotion is normal, whether it's sadness or joy, happiness, and yet if I have fear, I try and push it away as hard as I can. Because just entertaining the idea of what may happen if that fear is true feels worse than anything and I'll do just run away from it.
What I've found is that when I do that, and this has happened so much in this last couple of years, my greatest fears have come true because I've been running away from them. It's this absolute paradigm in my head which says, "this can never happen." I feel this low vibration, and it's like I have this thing and I will do everything in my power to avoid this from happening. Then what usually happens is it comes full circle because what I believe is the universe is showing me, okay you need to look at this.
The Universe says "this is a fear. I want you to grow through this. It's okay. I've got your back." And then I'm thinking "there's not a chance I'm going to look, it's terrifying." Terrifying and then I'd go on for a couple of weeks or couple of months or whatever it is and then it comes back and it pushes against me. Then I'm like, no, I can still get away with it and then it'll get to crisis point and I'll really have no other option than to confront this thing fully.
I call this the "Mallet of Truth" that the Universe weald's against me. It's not a punishment but what happens is when I run away from my growth. When I run away from my greatest fear the Universe will catch up to me because it's way faster than me. I think I'm trying to outsmart the Universe by trying to look at something I don't want to look at. When I can actually, and this is coming up more and more, realize that all emotions are valid then I can heal. If I can actually sit with it and ask myself, "well, what is the worst case scenario? What? What is this fear really about?" When I trace it back, it's usually a similar circumstance that happened early on in my life when I didn't feel safe. Whether it's to do with financial security, physical security, whether it's emotional security. I'll find that basically there's a six year old mMark sitting on a classroom floor, fearful about something.
And it's me who needs to sit with that. I need to sit with that. I'm old enough to be able to sit with that and understand what it is I was feeling back then. For me, that is how I heal those childhood experiences if I refuse to look at these fears, whatever they are... whether it's sadness, which is for me a fear that I'm not whole and that I don't have love and I'll never have love. Fear that I'll never be loved or that I lost love. Sadness isn't love, it's the absence of love and the idea that I'm not whole without something I've lost. When that happens, when I push away all of these things, I don't have joy. I don't have happiness and I feel as empty as a mangrove swamp or as barren as a mangrove swamp.
I want to be on the beach enjoying the sunshine with the happiness and the joy and excitement, the wonder everything and all I feel inside is this is barren crud. And all that's asked of me is just to admit that I have fear of whatever it is. Because for me strength is found in resilience or through invulnerability, it's found by admitting vulnerability.
If there's a castle with walls and it's almost impregnable but there's a dodgy spot halfway through. Then it's not going to be so great and unless they can say, hey, this is a dodgy spot halfway through we need to fix it. And it's the same with me. If I can say "that really scares me" whatever it is, then that's a start. At least I'm being honest with myself enough to be able to acknowledge the fear.
If I can acknowledge the fear then that's the beginning of getting over it. Then I can work it through with someone else and I can work it through with someone else. I have a friend who says "what's the worst case scenario? What's the best case scenario? And it's probably gonna be somewhere in the middle." Because when I'm in that fear I have a mind that runs crazy and I'm projecting faults onto stuff and "then the building will collapse" and crazy stuff like that.
What I can put aside that and just pause, then I can intuit what I need to do. Because for me, so often what comes up is a sense of needing to freeze, a "don't do anything", which is itself an action.
Then I can wind down from defcon five, even if I'm still at defcon four or three, and just go, "okay, I probably need to do this." Maybe I need to pick up the phone and call a friend. That gives me the breathing room.